My Own 600-Pound Life

For me, hard times means stress.  It means worry.  It means taking every waking moment trying to figure out how to solve the issue that is at hand.  I'm a good problem solver and I can get things done.  I know people that can get things done if I can't get them done.  That doesn't mean I cope well with those situations.

This poses a problem for my weight loss journey.  You see, weight loss, for me, takes a lot out of me.  While I am, right now, in a "groove" where I pretty much run on Weight Watchers auto-pilot, I notice things more when I'm not myself.  I notice that I really don't want to go to the gym or that I really want to go to Cold Stone and get that very yummy ice cream dish.  I know it's not healthy, but just like any addict, we want to satisfy our cravings and when we have our minds on something else, that is when we are weak.

I think the hardest thing about the weight loss journey is dealing with it during the hard times.  For the past couple of days, I've just been in a funk.  I've been upset about some things that I don't know how to deal with, my leg has been hurting more and I've just been down.  Honestly, I haven't gone to the gym in almost a week (I am going tonight, though).  But I've kept on program.  I'm not sure how, but I have.

That is something we all must learn over the course of our weight loss journey.  I would venture to say that most of us have issues with eating.  If we didn't, we wouldn't be overweight.  From my experience, those issues with eating will never go away.  Just like a drug user or alcoholic, we tend to use food as our dependant drug of choice.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know what predisposes us to use food to cope with our hurts and our problems, but we do.  But we have to stop.

It's been hard during these past couple of days.  I don't want to be on program.  I don't want to have my diet cokes and my salads and I definitely don't want to go exercise.  But I have to.  Not because someone tells me to and not because I think it's the right thing to do, but simply because I know it is the thing that will make me healthy and able to do the things I want to.

In our meeting last night, I shared how I could barely walk a quarter of a mile right now without stopping at the gym.  I don't want to be that person.  There are so many limitations that weight puts on us and we have to learn to tell it to stop.  We wouldn't let anyone else put those kinds of limitations on us - so why are we doing it?  Why are we allowing ourselves to put those limitations on?

So I guess my point is that even though the hard times, we must find a way to shine through.  Maybe we don't have enough energy to cheer other people on during the hard times, but we must have the strength to pull ourselves together and make it through.  We owe it to ourselves to continue this journey.  While it's a hard and a very long one, we will eventuallly get there.  We really will.

I think we all have an idea of what we think the weight loss "magic formula" is.  I know I do.  Well, at least I did.  For those of us who have been on diets for a while, either off and on or steady, we all know what we think works for us and we know what results we should obtain from that formula.  For instance, I "knew" that if I ate all of my daily points and 10 of my weeklies, I put up a better number than if I just stayed within my daily points.  So I had it all figured out!  Well, not so much.

I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that we sometimes are our worst critics.  Not only that, I think we, as the human race, tend to question things.  I think that's our nature.  If not our nature, I think it's at least what our environment teaches us.  Take for example that people used to stop for people on the side of the road.  I know that I wouldn't do that now.  Not because that I'm not a nice person, but simply because I don't know those people and who knows whether they have a shotgun in the back of their van or not.

I don't think our weight loss journey is any different.  I think it's deeper than that, though.  For most of us who are on this journey, it's a hard and emotional place to be.  I think that if we don't lose or we don't lose what we think we should, we not only question what we did wrong, but we begin to doubt.  We begin to doubt not only what we did, but I think we begin to doubt our own selves.  I know I do.

For example, as I said last week, this is the first time on a weight loss journey that I have ever exercised for more than a week.  It's an unknown for me.  I don't know how my body responds to things and I don't know how to compensate for them.  It's an unknown variable.  Well, I lost 1 pound this week.  The same pound, mind you, that I gained last week.  So I have a big fat 0 for the past two weeks.  All the working out and following program have done absolutely nothing on the scale.

So where's the plus in this?  I honestly don't know.  I have a hard time seeing that.  The only thing that keeps me going on the exercise is I have a 5K I am training for and if I don't keep training, I won't be able to walk the whole thing with my friends.  I have to keep exercising.  The deadline for it keeps coming closer.

And if I'm going to exercise, I sure as heck am not going to eat bad.  Why would I do that to myself?  So here's having faith that my body knows what it's doing with itself and that the things I am doing are at least healthier than what I was doing before.  I am in a very dark place right now because I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I have nothing to show for the last two weeks.  Hopefully I will see the results next week on the scale.

To all of those out there that are in the same boat as me, we can make it.  We know what we are doing works for us, but we just have an unknown variable.  Perhaps in a couple of weeks the storm will clear and we will see the results of our labor.  Here's hoping that's true.  Keep your chin up.  Don't be your worst critic.  Give yourself some credit for doing what you have done.

Oh, and if you have time, remind me to do the same.

So exercise has never been my friend.  Gyms have been my mortal enemy and quite frankly, I like sitting on my rear end.  My job dictates it (I'm a computer developer, so I write code all day) and I love playing video/computer games, which requires me to sit on my rear end a lot.

Well, recently, a new gym opened in our area called Planet Fitness.  This gym appeared to be different - they didn't let "lunks" in (extreme bodybuilders) and when you saw pictures of their gyms, you actually saw... wait for it... big people!  It's nice to see other people that don't necessarily fit in the healthy BMI range going to the gym.  It makes the gym a lot less initimidating.  Plus their staff are amazing there.  They really care about people and they are there to help you.

So, happy that I found a gym that I could work out at (and that has amazing massage beds!), I went three times last week.  That is amazing for me considering I haven't even walked more than to go to my car to get some fast food in probably the last 4 years.  Not only did I go, I pushed myself hard at the gym.  For most of you, what I did would be a drop in the bucket, but since I weigh over 560 pounds still, the routine I did really kicked my butt.

I felt amazing.  I was ready to see a 5 pound loss at Weight Watchers yesterday and I was all stoked and ready to tell everyone how I did it.  I stepped on the scale and it hit me.  I had gained 1 pound.  WHAT?  I wasn't sure for the whole meeting whether I wanted to cry or pound my fist into the scale.  I was furious and upset all at the same time.  Even my wife, who can normally calm me down could not say anything that would make me OK with what had just happened.  The whole day was ruined.  I swore that if I didn't lose weight next week, that I was going to quit all together.  I wasn't going to kick my butt at the gym and then come and gain pounds.  I have over 400 pounds to lose!  I'm not about to go the wrong way!

So, this morning, I was a lot calmer and in fact, my gym bag is waiting in my car for the workout that I will be going to this evening after work.  So, I decided to do a little Googling and came across this article.  I read through it and I found myself getting happier each paragraph I read.  Wait - weight gain is normal after starting an exercise program?  Holy crap!  That's amazing news.  I think I did a little happy jig in my chair after I read that article.  It explained to me why my hard work was not showing on the scale!

My point in explaining this is that sometimes hard work will not show immediately.  Just as much as anyone else, I need to remember that this is a long-term solution and we won't always see the numbers on the scale.  However, we are making choices that will hopefully last a lifetime and going to the gym is a reality of most skinny people.  Since most of us are on our weight loss journeys to become skinnier, healthier people, we have to make the gym a part of our lives and we can't be scared when that number on the scale doesn't show like we wanted it to.

It's hard to feel that way because I still wanted to see that number, but I worked out, I pushed myself and I am healthier because of it.  So, NSV for me!  If you are in the same boat as I am, keep on trucking.  It will get better and I hope that next week, my blog post to you will be that I lost an amazing number even while exercising the whole week.  Keep those chins up, folks!  We can do this!

Sometimes we look at our journey and wonder why we're even bothering to do it.  For me, personally, I have over 400 pounds to lose and that is a daunting task.  Why do I want to keep on doing something that doesn't follow with what my body has been used to for the past 20 years?  Why do I want to do something that is going to get rid of one of the best coping mechanisms out on the market right now - food?

That's when we have to deploy our "anchors".  We each have things that we hold on to that keep us going in our journey.  Whether it be the fact that you have a wedding you have to get skinny for or that summer bikini you want to wear - we each have our own anchor that holds us in place.

Mine personally is the praise of others.  This sounds a little conceited, but I don't mean I want everyone to be like "oh - you're getting so skinny!"  That's not the point.  I have a few close friends and family that I care about what they think.  When I hear, "wow you're looking good" from them, I feel amazing.  I feel like this is worth doing.  My other secondary anchor is my health.  Even though I've avoided diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, I now have weeping leg edema that just will not quit.  While this isn't necessarily a good anchor, it does remind me on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis as to why I am doing this.

Find that thing that keeps you going and hold on to it.  Keep it in your mind at all times.  If it's a picture, put it in your wallet or purse.  If it's the praise of others, just remember what they say when you feel like eating that extra cheeseburger.  You can do this and you have your anchor to help you.

If you come to think about weight loss, I would imagine around 97% of people don't have a physical problem with losing weight loss.  What I mean is that most of us can actually lose weight if we stick to a reasonable diet that is less than what we are currently consuming.  If it is possible to lose weight without the assistance of surgery, diet pills or something along those lines, why do, according to the American Obesity Association, 95% of people fail at diets?

I believe it all comes down to attitude.  Like Tweety to the left, we sometimes have bad attitudes about weight loss.  Most of us who are overweight are there because we like food.  I realize that some are overweight because of a physical limitation, but most of us are here simply because we like food.  When we think about dieting, we think of it as our enemy.  Even a lot of "diets" have started to call it a "lifestyle change."  While they are correct that the new eating habits are a lifestyle change, it's still a diet.  Let's face it, folks - after I get to my goal weight and can gauge how much food I'm supposed to be eating to maintain a healthy weight, I'm not going to be counting my Points any more.

So what if we just try to change our attitude a little?  What if we said, you know, this is an OK thing to be doing - this diet.  Also, we need to change our attitude at the scale.  You see, with me having to lose approximately 400 pounds, little losses for me right now don't make me very happy.  After coming off a week of a 15 pound loss and then a 6.6 pound loss, I only lost 3.2 this past week despite being "perfect" on program.  That simply was a bad attitude.  I lost 3.2 pounds.  I know some people who wished they could lose 3.2 pounds in a week!  Besides that, even at 3.2 pounds, it would only take slightly over 2 years to lose the weight when I've gained the weight over a couse of 29 years!

So, as you are on your diet or lifestyle change, try and remember that it's all about attitude.  Don't succumb to the bad thoughts and attitudes that tell you this is horrible or that you aren't losing enough.  You are doing this to get healthy and there are changes that are occuring every day in your body as you follow a healthier diet.  Be proud of what you have done and move forward with your head held high!

So things have been crazy around me.  Between life, weight loss, work and emotions, everything seems to be stretching me a little thin.  I just went to the doctor yesterday and was put on a medicine that will hopefully help with some of the problems, but after I did that, I found out that the weight loss supplement I was hoping to be put on may have some serioud interactions and I may not be able to take the medicine!  I have to stay on the medicine that was prescribed to me yesterday, so the weight loss supplement will be the one to take the fall if I have to chose one over the other.

This has all put me into a blur of life right now.  Everything seems to be happening and I'm actively participating in it all, but I don't know if any of it is making sense right now.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions and trying to keep all parts of my life in balance.  Now, don't get me wrong - I've made the choices I've made and they are mine to deal with.  It's just it seems a little stressful at some points.

My whole point in mentioning this is, in the middle of it all, I still have to watch my weight loss journey.  I'm doing good - another 6.6 pounds down this week, which brings me to 22.2.  I'm not disappointed with it at all, but I think my point here is that we just have to keep on with our weight loss journeys.  No matter what is going on around us - we have to keep ourselves moving towards being a lower weight and healthier.  I've had so much problem with this in the past.  When things get hard, you want to stop your weight loss journey because, if you're like me, you used to cling to food for comfort.  It is almost like a "friend".  We each have to learn how to deal with those things and keep strong on our programs or we will never get to our goals.

If I run the numbers, I've almost lost 6% of the total amount I have to lose.  That's amazing for two weeks.  But if I had stopped and decided that I need that comfort in my life via my tummy, I might be back up a few pounds.  Just keep on moving towards the goal.  It may be hard, it may not be fun, but we aren't doing this for fun.  We are doing this because we have gotten to a place in our lives where we realize that being the size we are is not worth it and we have to do something about that.

Stay strong.  Stay vigilant.  You can do this.